Let’s have a real moment, shall we?
There’s a particular time in a woman’s life they call… the “change.”
As I journey through this season of my own life, I now understand that this one small word “change” encompasses, not a mere trickle, but a FLOOD of change!
I’ve read all kinds of information online about what exactly the menopause process is and what to expect. I’m not going to rehash all that here — it’s as easy as asking google for yourself if you’re interested in knowing. I’ve read horror stories and I’ve also read some pretty exciting stories of transformation. I really want mine to be the latter.
I look forward to getting to the other side of this transition. I’m actually excited for the new season to come! They say you become more bold and confident in who you are, no longer caring so much what people think. Well then, I’ll take two helpings of that, thanks!
For now, I’m still caught in the struggle of pushing through that cocoon. Hormones and emotions can be all over the place without warning and when they are, I do my best to keep my wits about me. Most days I still manage to keep my composure well, thanks to a LOT of prayer and an understanding family. Other times, I want to scream. I don’t even always need a reason, but I really, really want to. Some of you are shocked at that statement coming from me. And some of you ladies will get me completely!
I know rationally what is happening chemically inside my body and brain, and that it will pass — but at the same time, I’m feeling a little whacked out emotionally at times. I always believed I would be one of those women that would float through this normal life transition with little disruption to my every day life. Not so, silly girl! Maybe you’ve gone through it with nary a mood swing to speak of and you’re thinking I’m being overly dramatic. Well, bless you!
And, for crying out loud, I just have to ask — how is it even physically possible to both be sweltering and have goose bumps at the same time???!!! I mean, really?!
Don’t get me wrong, dear friends. I haven’t completely lost my ever lovin’ mind. Just feeling the need to vent a tiny little bit and really, just to share some honesty. I may sound like a mess, but I’m thinking if I don’t share the ugly truth of where I’ve been, how will anyone recognize the grace? ‘Cause that’s what’s getting me through.
I think we hide behind our fake “fine” a little too much, and frankly, I’m tired of that. We never want to show our truth because it makes us vulnerable to judgment and criticism. We think that to struggle is to be a failure as a Christian. I’m finally getting it that the brokenness is what draws us closer to the heart of God — if we let it. There will always be some that don’t understand and pass their judgment. So what does that even matter? Isn’t it worth taking that chance if it means connecting with someone in a similar struggle?
And so, if I have seemed a little different lately, please understand — it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just working through some of this weirdness as gracefully as I can. I’m certain I’ll never be the same old me as before — but I know I’m becoming a better me. And I won’t be able to take the credit for it because this is outside of my control. Jesus knows my personality, my feelings, every experience I’ve ever had that has shaped who I am, and He’s continuing to stretch and change me daily. This process is uncomfortable, yet also a gift, for it’s in the struggle and surrender where we find our real freedom.
Change really is a good thing, and I know this. So, rather than continue to fight it, I now choose to embrace this passage with great expectation. If I’m gonna be on this roller coaster for a little while longer, I might as well throw my hands up in the air and ride it out with childlike anticipation.